FML: Today, after spending a tiring amount of time trying to stay quiet so I didn’t wake my housemates, I dropped my bowl of food right in the middle of the hallway between the bedrooms with a loud clang.

FML: Today, on my sixteenth birthday, I was hoping to get a car as my birthday gift. Instead, my parents got me a three months membership at the near by gym so I can lose weight.

FML: Today, on a vacation with my best friend whom I’m secretly in love with, I was dressed to the nines, and felt confident and upbeat about myself. Not once has he made a move on me the entire time, not even in the common hotel room that we shared. At the end of the trip he told me I’m "such a great friend."

FML: Today, I accidentally liked a photo from 2010 while stalking my ex’s Facebook profile. Not only did she see it, but I also followed their entire family’s pages in a panicked attempt to cover up, which obviously didn’t work.

FML: Today, as I was filling out my divorce papers, I realized that my son has had the same girlfriend through both of my marriages. He's just 17.

FML: Today, I tried to playfully flick a fry at my first date. It missed, hit a waiter in the face, and he dropped an entire tray of drinks onto an elderly couple. My date laughed, then excused himself to the bathroom and never came back.

FML: Today, I tried to heat some food in my microwave. I forgot to remove the foil it was wrapped in. The microwave went into overdrive in a dramatic display of sparks, which triggered the fire alarm as well, and I had to convince the neighbors at my door not to evacuate their apartments.

FML: Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch and as I began to eat, I noticed a blond hair in my food. When that happened, I went up to the counter and began complaining about their hygiene. When the manager insisted no one that works there had long blond hair, I realized that it was my hair.