FML: Today, I told my boyfriend that the dentist said my blood pressure was high. He was way more interested in the fact that the dentist took my blood pressure than my blood pressure being high.

FML: Today, I went to the dentist and found out I still have a wisdom tooth. I got all four out last month, or at least I thought I did. Now I have to go back and get it removed again.

FML: Today, while taking a shower, I was enthusiastically singing one of my favorite songs. When I got out of the bathroom, I noticed a bunch of things missing from my rooms, and a note on my desk, saying, "Shut the fuck up, you suck." I was robbed and judged by a thief.

FML: Today, I walked in the bathroom and smelled a disgusting cheesy smell. I looked at the tub and my boyfriend was furiously scrubbing under his toenails with my nail brush.

FML: Today, I went on my first date and laughed so hard at a joke that I snorted. I tried to play it cool, laughed harder, snorted again, and then knocked over my drink. The waiter brought napkins and said, “Happens all the time.” To me, yes, it does.

FML: Today, I found out that my husband is still friends with someone who talks a lot of crap about me.

FML: Today, while driving, I let someone merge in my traffic lane. They waved, merged, then immediately pulled off the brakes to make a turn, causing me to slam on the brakes and spill coffee all over myself. They waved again, like that fixed everything. I arrived at work sticky, caffeinated, and pissed off.

FML: Today, I went over to a friend's house. He had almost no furniture and slept on a mattress on the floor; however, he had the most impressive gaming computer I've ever seen. He's 40.